Exclusively yours
by TheMandMs
Summary: "I guess the question is: do you want it badly enough to get over being hurt?" - My tag on 4x21 "Headhunters", now a three piece.
1. Exclusively yours

**Exclusively yours**

"_I guess the question is: do you want it badly enough to get over being hurt?"  
_

That's the question he had been asking himself silently the whole evening. While his words were actually intended for Alexis, he found them to be applying to his own problem as well.

Did he want to be with Kate badly enough to actually get over his hurt and somehow over his pride too?

Love wasn't supposed to be all rosy and you hurt each other, that was just the way it was.

Kate had been there for him, had had his back while he had gone off fooling around with Slaughter and being the jackass he had never wanted to be again. She had silently looked out for him and had actually risked her job just for him, even after he had rubbed things like _Jacinda_ right into her face for weeks now.

If he really loved her as much as he liked to think he did, maybe he should finally do what his broken heart had told him from the beginning: man up and actually talk to her. Listen to her, because she might actually have a good explanation for not telling him she remembered.  
After all, it was impossible that he had imagined all those tiny hints over the last years, right? She _had _to feel something for him, and when her words on the swings at been any indication, then she was working on herself until she felt worthy of his love.  
Of course that was silly, because he loved her anyways, but if she would feel uncomfortable entering a relationship with him otherwise, he would accept her terms.  
She hadn't even so much than looked at one other guy besides him since Josh and her hurt over the last weeks upon his antics had been more than visible. He had just chosen to ignore it because he had wanted to punish her.  
Now he just felt like an ass.

Before finally forcing himself to sleep he vowed he would make it up to her and actually fight for her and their romance from tomorrow on. He would woo her pants off of her and charm her until she couldn't help but fall in love with him.

Smiling to himself, he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"Good morning, detective Beckett," he said cheerfully as he came to stand beside her desk and held a cup of her favorite in front of her.

She smiled, he could see the hesitancy and apprehensiveness in her eyes, even if she tried to hide it, and took the cup. "Thank you. And good morning to you too."

He grinned easily and plopped down on his chair. "What's going on this fine morning?"

She stared at him for a second. "Nothing, I guess. Just paperwork, so you don't need to stick around if you don't want to."

"Oh, I want to, believe me," he said, hoping she would catch his double meaning.

She still looked a little unsure and for the first time in weeks it occurred to him that, despite the fact that she had heard him, she maybe still didn't quite _understand_ how he felt about her and because of his showing off with the flight attendant he couldn't exactly blame her, could he?

"So, is there something I can help with?", he asked, breaking the silence between them effectively.

She shook her head no. "I don't think so, Castle, but thanks for the effort," she said before turning to her work again.

* * *

Around noon he noticed her cup was empty, so he decided to refill it for her. Taking it with him, he stood and went for the break room, refilling the coffee machine with fresh water.

Being caught up in his work, he didn't notice someone entering the room and shutting the door behind them.

When Esposito tapped his shoulder and made him turn around he finally noticed the other detective.

"Oh hey, Espo."

"Hi."

Castle turned back to his task. "You want coffee too?"

"No, I want some answers. What are your intentions towards her this time?"

"What?" Frozen to the place, Castle could just stare at him. "What do you mean, _this time_?"

"Well, when you began shadowing her I thought you just wanted to get into her pants, but then you kept on showing up after she rejected you and you actually seemed to care about her so I thought it was okay to let you off the hook. But I was obviously wrong because you decided she wasn't worth your time anymore and now you come back after cheating on her and I'm asking myself _why_?"

"I…what? I…," Castle stuttered, being unable to form actual sentences.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't punch the daylights out of you?", Esposito growled darkly, grabbing Castle's dark purple collar.

"Okay, okay," he squeaked panicked, "I've been a jerk. I heard something and made an assumption, but now I just want to make thing right again."

"What did you hear?"

Not daring to fight off any of the questions the dangerous Hispanic asked, Castle quickly surrendered. "She told the bomb suspect that she remembered everything from her shooting while she told me she didn't."

"And that's why you've been acting like a jackass? Castle, I really am going to kick you where it hurts the most if you don't give me something," he hissed.

"I told her I loved her on the cemetery. And she told me she didn't remember, but she lied."

Esposito released him slowly. "And you assumed what?"

"That she was embarrassed and couldn't tell me she didn't feel the same?" Even to his own ears this sounded stupid now, because Kate wasn't a chicken. She wouldn't avoid something because she was afraid, would she?

"You are a dumbass, Castle," Esposito said and suddenly he sounded tired, "let me just tell you that she loves you and that you hurt her a lot over the last weeks. She's been seeing that therapist again and she hasn't for a while, so just let me tell you, this really wasn't easy on her. I don't know why she lied, but let me tell you, it definitely wasn't because she was embarrassed or doesn't feel the same, alright? If you want me to guess, she just doesn't trust her own ability to be in the relationship she wants to have with you and…well, I mean if I had been in her shoes, I would been a little cautious too, because how was she supposed to know you actually mean it and didn't just…say it because she was dying?"

Castle stared horrified at him. "You really think she thinks that?"

Esposito shrugged. "I can't know for sure, but it's the most logical explanation for her behavior."

They were silent for a minute, before Esposito broke it. "So whatever you decide to do now, don't you dare to hurt her like that again or Ryan and I will make sure they'll never find your body, understood?"

Castle nodded. He would practically sweep her off her feet.

* * *

For the rest of the day he wouldn't leave her alone and when they finally prepared to leave, earlier than expected, Castle had figured out a way to prolong his day with detective Beckett.

"So, drinks on me, guys?", he asked, trying to sound casual.

"Oh, uh, actually I can—OW." Ryan winced upon being nudged by his partner a little harder than necessary.

"Great idea, bro. Since you owe us one for the Slaughter thing, right guys?" Esposito looked at his two colleagues expectantly.

Castle didn't know why the Hispanic detective had decided to help him out a little, but he as sure as hell wasn't going to complain.

Once plans were made, Castle turned to Beckett. "Come on, I'll take you."

"I have my own car, Castle."

"Yeah, but we need to think about our planet, right? I'll drive you home afterwards and pick you up tomorrow morning." He put his hand on his spot on her back and moved her forward.

And Kate was too flabbergasted to protest.

* * *

While he was at the bar, preparing their drinks, he noticed Lanie entering the Old Haunt. The feisty ME quickly walked up to her friends and sat down next to Kate and Castle cursed mentally. He had planned on plopping down next to his partner, close enough to let his whole body touch hers, but he couldn't exactly ask Lanie to sit somewhere else, could he? Especially after his acting lately. Alexis had told him that she'd noticed the ME not being too fond of him, and he couldn't exactly blame her.

He took one final breath, before getting the drinks (he had one prepared for Lanie now, too) and heading back to his friends.

"Hey Lanie," he greeted before putting the glasses on the table, "you mind sitting on Kate's other side?" Instantly he mentally winced.

_Great, _he thought, _way to pull her on your side again, idiot_.

Before anyone could react, Esposito did. "Yeah, come on, chica. I'd rather have you next to me anyways. No offence, boss," he added in afterthought.

"None taken," Beckett murmured, still having that disbelieving look on her face. She let Lanie move around her, to sit between Kate and Esposito, and Castle finally sat down next to Kate.

"Now, bro, tell us a little of Slaughter roughing you up," Ryan said, sounding just a little bit nasty and Castle figured, even if Esposito had told his partner about his little chat with the writer, Ryan still felt a little betrayed.

Figuring being teased was the price he had to pay, Castle started telling his story, ignoring Lanie's suspicious, almost distrustful looks.

* * *

About an hour later Castle had closed the space between him and Kate completely, his whole left side pressed against her right, and in a somewhat adolescent move he had wrapped his arm around her.

Kate hid her surprise well, probably caused by the alcohol loosening her up a bit, but knowing Kate the way he did, he knew she was desperately trying to figure out what was going on and how to react and he figured, he shouldn't be too pushy, at least not tonight. He wouldn't want so scare her, after all.

"I need to wash up," Lanie suddenly stated, "girl, you coming with me?"

"Chica, you can gossip all you want about the hot guy on your left right here," Esposito said cockily, while Castle stood up to let the women out of the booth.

"Down boy," the ME said teasingly, "I'm actually going to tell Kate about the hot guy who just moved into the apartment next to mine."

Esposito's grin froze, and Castle and Ryan couldn't help but chuckle, while Kate bit her lip, trying to fight off her smile.

Lanie grabbed Kate's hand and pulled her towards the restroom and Castle couldn't help but stare at the way her hips swayed as she walked.

"So you've come to your senses again?", Ryan asked, cutting right to the chase.

Castle turned around, figuring he had to point out his motives once again. He knew the boys felt very protective of Beckett and most of the time he was really grateful for the fact, but at time like this, when he was at the receiving end of their interrogation skills, he wasn't quite so fond of them.  
They had to know he loved Kate, didn't they? It wasn't that difficult to figure out, after all. Then again, after he'd been acting like a jerk these past weeks, he couldn't really blame them.

"I'm sorry," he said, hoping to sound as sincere as he felt, "I know I've been a jerk."

"Just…you know, Castle, I think she really feels something for you she hasn't for anyone else ever, so…just stop hurting her and…I don't know, do something about this. I'll never understand this dance you've been doing for years, but I guess it's time to stop now make some gestures which can't be covered up, you know?"

Castle nodded. "I'm trying," was all he said and then they heard Kate and Lanie coming back, effectively cutting them off and the write stood up again to let them sit.

When he was seated again, he was surprise to find the detective a little closer than expected. Considering this a good sign, he moved his arm back around her shoulders, gauging her reaction silently.  
All she did was smile shyly at him.

Even if he couldn't know for sure, he was certain that Lanie had talked about _him_ with Kate. And maybe gave her a little pep talk or something, because she was now actually talking with them and not just staring into her drink.

A few minutes later, when Castle felt a little braver and assured, she wasn't going to kill him, his fingers started to ghost up and down her arm, slipping gently under the sleeve of her shirt from time to time until he felt goosebumps on her soft skin.  
Kate's reaction was simple, but spoke volumes: she placed her hand, hesitantly though, on his thigh, without anyone noticing.

His heart started pounding wildly in his chest and his breath quickened as well. Forcing himself to stay cool, he squeezed her shoulder gently, before resuming his stroking.  
This was working better than he'd imagined.

* * *

Around eleven, Ryan finally announced that Jenny was probably waiting up for him and that he should get going. Esposito and Lanie quickly followed his example and soon Castle and Beckett were the only remaining ones.

"I guess I should get going too, Castle," she said, biting her lip.

He nodded slowly, getting up too. After tonight's development he could understand why Kate was a little apprehensive of being alone with him. They had been going from being awkward around each other to cuddling in a booth for over two hour in the last twenty-four hours and he understood why this threw her for a loop.

"Alright, let's get you home then," he said, helping her into her jacket. "Hey Bobby," he called out to his newest barkeeper, "I'll just give detective Beckett a lift home, before heading home, too. You can lock everything up, right?"

The young man gave him thumbs up, before turning back to a young woman to take her order.

"Alright, let's go." Ushering her out into the mild night, he placed his hand at the small of her back again, gently guiding her towards his car.

"I really can just take a cab, Castle," Beckett said before getting in, "you haven't seen Alexis today at all. Maybe you could catch her if you hurry and-"

"She's out with friends, no need to hurry. Apart from that I promised to take you home, remember? Now, be a good girl and get in the car."

Rolling her eyes, Beckett got in, watching Castle walk around to his door.

The drive was quiet, at least until his bold move of placing his hand on her thigh.

"Castle," she breathed."

"What?"

"What's with the touching today?"

"Are you complaining?"

To his surprise, Beckett blushed a little. "That's not the point. The point is it's not something we usually do."

"Yeah, well look where usually left us."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Figuring it was time to put his cards on the table, he drove to the right and stopped the car, before sighing. Turning towards her, he chose his words carefully before saying: "Look, I just realized I really want this between us to work, no matter how many stupid stunts we pull on our way there. And while the last four years have been really nice, I'm tired of being in limbo. I just…I love you and I know you know that." He ignored her sharp intake of air. "And even if I fooled myself into thinking you don't feel anything for me for a while, deep down I knew the whole time that you do."

"You are just a little too scared of acting on your feelings and I realized I could be brave enough for the both of us. So I thought I would just push a little harder because I don't want to wait for another shooting to tell you that I love you."

He finally dared to look at her. She stared at him, wide-eyed while tears were streaming down her beautiful face. She whispered his name softly, before pushing forward and leaning her forehead against his shoulder.

A little horrified he registered her sobbing quietly and he wrapped his arms around, as tight as he could, considering their seatbelts.

"I'm so sorry," she murmured softly, after a while, "I wanted to tell you, all the time, but it was never the right time and I was just so stupid and-" She cut herself off, continuing to sob and Castle loosened their seatbelts and pulled her gently into his lap.

She came willingly, placing her wet face in the crook of his neck and he pulled her tightly against his chest.

"Shh," he hushed gently, "it's alright, baby." He rubbed her back soothingly, kissed her hair and continued to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

When she had finally pulled herself together a little, she leaned back to look at him.

"I don't want you to be with anyone else, you got that? No more flight attendants or whatevers. You're mine. Exclusively," she declared, her voice sounding still a little watery, but that didn't stop her from demanding her rights on him, before pressing her lips against his furiously.

The kiss was hot and wet and explosive and left no doubt about the passion they felt for each other. She pushed her tongue quickly into his mouth, while moving on his lap until she could straddle him fully and he accepted everything willingly.

"God, Kate," he groaned when he felt her opening the first two buttons of his shirt to have better access to suck on his collarbone and the surrounding skin.  
Her breath was hot on his skin and he felt arousal shooting through his veins. Even if he really, really wanted this, he needed her to stop. Their first time really shouldn't be in his car in the middle of New York City.

"Slow down," he panted, pulling gently, but firmly on her neck to get a little distance between them.

She didn't seem to be too happy about the missing contact and he had to smile at her pouty face.

"Believe me, I want this as bad as you do," he said, pressing her harder against his pelvis, to proof it to her, "but I really think we need to slow down a bit. There are some things we need to talk about before we do this."

She nodded slowly, understanding where he was going with this and wrapped herself into his arms, hugging him hard, while her breath continued to slow down.

"Okay."

"Come on, let's get you home now."

* * *

When they finally reached the parking lot in front of her apartment building, Castle stopped the engine and turned towards her.

She was biting her lower lip, a sign of her uncertainty about what to say and he definitely could feel with her.

She inhaled deeply, before she blurted out: "Maybe you could come with some bagels tomorrow morning. It's Saturday. We could have breakfast and a talk." The words fell quickly from her lips and he knew how nervous she was.

He smiled, hopefully reassuringly, and agreed. "I could do that. Come on, I'll walk you to your door."

Ever being the gentleman, he opened her door and helped her out, not releasing her hand until they had reached her front door.

"Thanks for the lift, Castle," she said, somewhat shyly and he squeezed her fingers in response, before leaning forward, gauging her reaction before closing the gap between them.

It was a soft, loving kiss, gentle and yet sensual, and their hearts were pounding madly when they separated.

"Good night, Kate. Until tomorrow. Sleep tight," he murmured softly.

She waved as he skipped down the steps. "Thanks, until tomorrow, Rick."

Smiling hopefully at each other, Castle got in the car and Kate into the building.

They both would definitely sleep fine tonight.


	2. Of bagels and breakfast talks

**Of bagels and breakfast talks**

_Thanks a lot for your nice reviews.  
And because so many of you wanted a sequel to this..._

It's just Castle and breakfast, no need to freak out, she told herself for what seemed to be the millionth time by now and yet her nerves didn't seem to calm down any time soon. Because, well it wasn't exactly _just _breakfast and Castle, right?  
It might have been, hadn't they made out like horny teenagers in his car not even ten hours ago.

Even if it had been after midnight before Beckett had finally slipped between her sheets, not to mention those hours she had been laying wide awake touching her still kiss-swollen lips, she had been awake at half past six again, too giddy and excited and yet too apprehensive and nervous to continue sleeping.

She and Castle hadn't even agreed on a time when he would come around, but she had gotten up though, had taken a shower, shaving legs and everything else (who knew where things would lead once he would be inside her apartment?) and then everything had stopped because she had opened her closet.

That was where she was still standing in front of, clad in a towel, half an hour later and not any further regarding her wardrobe.

What the hell was she supposed to wear to a _might-be-might-not-be-date _with Rick Castle?

For welcoming him only in her PJs this whole thing was well too new and being dressed like for work…well, wasn't the right thing either.  
Something dressier was too much and sweatpants and a T-shirt a little too scruffy.

Biting her lip, Kate decided to call Lanie. The ME would kill her if she wouldn't be the first to know about Kate's relationship developments (if you could call them that) and this way Kate would maybe even get something out of it too if Lanie could help her out.

It took her friend a while to finally answer her phone.

"Kate? Do you know what time it is? It's not even eight on a Saturday morn-wait; you wouldn't happen have hot steaming sex with writer boy until now, would you?" Lanie's voice got all girlish and loud and Kate could hear a man's voice (definitely Esposito's) groaning in the background.

"No," she said, biting her lip, trying to repress a smile, "but I might have soon."

"What? Girl, tell me every little thing that happened once we left you two to it last night!"

Kate blushed a little upon remembering some certain minutes in Castle's car somewhere in NYC. "Well…we…he's coming around for breakfast," she said, a bit too self cautious for Lanie's liking.

"That better not be the only thing he's coming around for!"

Fighting a blush, Kate rolled her eyes. "Lanie…"

"What? Kate, seriously, you've been all over each other last night and now you're meeting up for _breakfast_? What for when you skipped the normal thing that's supposed to come in _between_."

"To talk," Kate said simply, choosing to ignore Lanie's snarky remarks. "I know now why he's been so distant lately."

"And that might be?"

"Because he knows that I remember."

"Oh dear…well, I don't know why you even lied to him in the first place, but I told you it would end badly if he ever happened to find out."

Kate rolled her eyes again. "Yes, but now we're talking again and he's coming soon and I don't know what to wear. So if you could stop telling me 'I told you so' and actually help me out, I'd be grateful," she said sarcastically.

Lanie sighed at the other end of the line. "Well, something casual, I'd say. I don't know some jeans and a sweatshirt or something. If you want to _talk _you'll want to be comfortable, right? And sweetie, please don't freak out, alright? This thing between you guys is huge and that man is head over heels in love with you and if you want to know what I think…well, I think he might be exactly what you need. You know, your _one and done_."

Kate swallowed against the lump in her throat and nodded to herself. Yes, she knew that. She had known for a long time, maybe also a reason why she hadn't told him earlier. Because he actually _was _her one and done guy, or at least she wanted him to be, and that scared the hell out of her. Who wouldn't be terrified at the prospect of loving someone forever and being loved as long?

"Yeah, I know," she said softly.

"Alright. While remembering that, don't forget that sometimes _actions _speak louder than words. And don't do anything I wouldn't do," Lanie teased.

"Bye Lanie," Beckett answered annoyed, all herself again.

Throwing her cell on the bed, she decided to get up and ready and with Lanie's words in the back of her mind, she planned on changing her bed sheets, just in case.

* * *

In the end the knock on her door came sooner than she'd expected and she felt entirely unprepared for this whole thing.

And yet, when she opened the door he was leaning against the frame and looking so handsome and just hot, that she could just stare at him and smile shyly.

"Hi," he said, his blue eyes twinkling happily, and he waved the bag of bagels in his hand. "Someone in for breakfast?"

"Hi," she greeted back, her heart pounding ridiculously hard in her chest.

_Good Lord_! How he managed to make her feel like being in high school all over again was beyond her.

Trying to get her act together she moved out of the way and let him in.

Castle was dressed casually too. Wearing dark slacks, a dark blue T-shirt and the checkered shirt she liked very much on him, he really looked _ruggedly handsome_.

Dropping a quick kiss on her lips (when had this become something they _naturally _did?), he went past her to put the bagels on the table.

"Did you already make coffee?", he asked and turned back to her.

Beckett nodded. "Yes. I've been up for a while," she said softly, not quite daring to look at him.

"Hey," he said, taking her hand gently in his larger one, "I know this seems really huge, but it's just us, Kate. Just you and me. No need to freak out."

She nodded, letting herself be pulled into his warm, firm chest. Wrapping her slender arms around his waist, she pressed her face in the crook of his neck, feeling him shiver when her breath hit his skin.

At least she wasn't the only one being effected like this.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't sleep at all last night," he murmured into her hair and she smiled.

Tightening her arms around him, her voice was muffled by his neck when she whispered: "I know we have to have this talk, but I really don't want to. It's just so nice right now."

He was quite for a moment and she already feared she had said something wrong, when she felt him pressing his lips to her head.

"You know, maybe we shouldn't talk it to death. Let's just have a nice breakfast and afterwards I'll tell you what happened and you give me some answers. Without blaming each other. What do you think?"

She nodded, before pulling away, smiling at him. "Okay."

He smiled back. "Okay." And before heading to the table, he pulled her into his arms one more time, this time pressing his lips against hers.

And Kate enjoyed it.

* * *

This whole thing had gone very smoothly so far. They had joked while eating, played footsie under the table and flirted a lot before cleaning up together.

While doing the dishes Kate had started blowing bubbles at him, laughing at his scandalized face, and he had gotten right back at her with wet, slippery hands.

When they both had been almost soaked, Kate had stepped into him, pressing her whole body against his, and kissed him senseless.

And that was what she was still doing.

Moaning, Castle wrapped his arms tighter around her, leaning back against the sink, while stroking her full lips with his tongue. She opened her mouth willingly, feeling hot desire shooting through her veins upon being pressed this close to him.

Her nipples started to harden against his muscular chest and he pressed her closer against his arousal in response.

"You're so damn hot," he groaned, as he moved to suck where the soft skin of her neck met her chest.

"You're pretty damn hot yourself," she breathed huskily, tilting her head to give him better access. She felt him pull away slightly, admiring his work.

"Castle, did you just make me a hickey?"

He grinned sheepishly, before shrugging. "You know boys, always marking their territory."

Castle threw his head back, laughing out loud, while Kate discovered relieved that the hickey was low enough to be covered by a shirt.

* * *

When they had both composed themselves a little, they each had grabbed a coffee mug and had moved over to the couch.

Stretching himself and putting his feet on the couch table, Castle wrapped his left arm around Beckett, pulling her into his side, and moved her legs over his own, gently stroking over her jeans-clad calves.

Nuzzling her head against his shoulder, Beckett sighed contently.

Gently tickling her upper arm with his finger tips, up and down, Castle leaned his own head against hers.

"Can I ask you something?", he requested softly and felt her nodding in response.

"Why didn't you tell me you heard me seven months ago?"

Kate's breath hitched again, exactly like it had hours ago before they had almost jumped each other in his car.  
She took her time to find the right answer, choosing her words carefully and he didn't push her.

"I guess I just…I felt overwhelmed. So many things had happened during the past months, turning my life upside down and there I was laying on the grass, bleeding out and you _finally _said those three little words I'd wanted to hear and yet feared for so long.  
I suppose a part of me thought you had just told me because I was dying and because you'd had so many other opportunities before and never said anything before.  
And then I figured, if you really, really loved me you deserved me to love you back just as much and I couldn't do that back then, because I was too messed up.  
I've been seeing a therapist ever since and well, he helps me see things more clearly and sort out some of my issues.  
And I've wanted to tell you for months now, but every time I tried something came up or the boys interrupted or whatever.  
I'm so sorry, I really am, Rick."

They were both quiet for a while, Castle's grip on her tightening, before he slowly whispered: "Say it, Kate, please. Please say it."

She didn't need to ask what he meant, she knew exactly what. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she said almost inaudibly: "I love you, Castle."

He let out a relieved breath, before gently turning towards her and tilting her head up with his finger crooked under her chin.

Looking into her eyes he repeated his words from so many months ago before slowly closing the gap between them and catching her lips in a gentle, loving kiss.

Even if they didn't deepen the kiss, Kate felt things she hadn't felt in a long time. He was pouring his love right into their connection, filling her insides with affection, trust and unconditional faith.

A few tears had found their way out of her eyes by the time they separated, and he gently wiped them away.

"I love you so much," she whispered thickly and once more he brushed her lips chastely.

"I love you too, Kate, more than you'll ever know and I'm sorry for being the jackass I've been over the last weeks."

"Will you ever tell me what I did to make you snap like that?"

He nodded slowly, resuming his gentle drawing of small patterns on her arm.  
"During the bombing case I heard you tell the kid that you remembered. And I guess…I thought you were just embarrassed, didn't know how to tell me you didn't feel the same and it hurt so much I didn't know how to survive this. So I decided to try to move on, without any success anyway, and I guess a part of me wanted to hurt you too."

"And you did," she said quietly, before moving to straddle him, putting her hands on both sides of his face.  
Ignoring the tears which were flowing down her face, she made sure he listened to her, before saying: "I need you to know that this is…I'll never feel anything but love for you, you need to understand that. And I'm so, so sorry for putting you through all this, and I know I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you and earning back your trust, but I need you to believe me when I say I love you, Rick. Only you, nobody else, _always_, Rick. You are everything to me."

They were both crying by now and Kate couldn't do anything else than press her lips feverishly against his, trying to make him _feel _her truth.

_God_, how could he even think something that ridiculous? As if she could do anything than love him with all her heart!

Moaning, Castle accepted her gesture, letting her kiss and nib at every piece of skin she could find, overflowed with happiness upon realizing that she indeed loved him.

Kate was lost, entirely lost in all that was him. All she could think about was getting closer and _more_ of him and that all of him was hers now and that she didn't want to change that for the world.  
She started working on his buttons, trying to move him out of his clothes, to finally _touch _everything she'd only fantasized about until now.

"Kate," he groaned, gripping her hips harder, trying to stop her from wiggling too much on his lap.

Sucking so hard that it definitely would leave an even larger mark than the one he'd created on her, Kate couldn't slow down.

"Kate, we need to stop," he panted helplessly, before finally finding the strength to push her far enough to make her let go of him.

She looked at him disbelievingly, before growling: "You better not tell me we're too fast because I think after four years of foreplay-"

"No, that's not it," he cut her off, panting heavily, before pulling her hair back out of her face. "That's not the reason. But…before we do all of this, and I mean all, I need to confess something too because I want us to have every card on the table before we do this. Because once we start this, I'm not gonna be able to stop and if you find out the truth and suddenly don't want me anymore, I don't think I…" He broke off, looking almost desperately at her.

Her face turned a little white, before she whispered: "You hid something from me too, didn't you?"

He nodded slowly. "You might want to call me a hypocrite, but yeah, I did."

"What is it?", she asked quietly, moving out of his lap to sit back again.

"I need you to come home with me and let me show it to you. So will you come around for dinner tonight? Can you wait that long?" _Can you give me a chance to explain, even I didn't give you the same_, his eyes seemed to ask.

She nodded, her throat suddenly dry, and let him get up.

"Okay," he said swallowing, "thank you. Come around six, alright?" He moved to kiss her cheek, a little cautiously and Kate knew this was going to be something rather big.

She only hoped they would be strong enough to survive it.


	3. Of dinners and heartsbeats

**Of dinners and heartbeats**

_Because you motivated me make 3/3 out of it_

"Jesus, dad! I seriously thought this episode was finally over," Alexis exclaimed upon seeing her father as she came closer.

The girl hadn't seen her father this morning, so considering the rather _large_ hickey on his neck, he'd apparently had an eventful night.

Castle looked confused at her scandalized face and Alexis rolled her eyes, before pointing to his neck.

"Dad! Really. Even _I_ think this is embarrassing and I'm as half as old as you."

Castle at least had the tendency to look a tad bit embarrassed. "Yeah, let's talk about something else, okay?"

Alexis shrugged. "I just don't understand this, daddy. I understand that you're angry at Beckett because of what she did but I think showing off that thing takes it a little bit far."

Now he didn't quite know what to say. Part of him really wanted to tell his daughter everything, but then again…if things with Beckett wouldn't work out tonight…

The girl had obviously seen something in her father's face, because she suddenly gasped before saying: "This was Beckett, wasn't she?"

Castle nodded sheepishly, before finally deciding to tell Alexis about his morning. A happy smile bloomed on his face.  
"She and I had a talk and breakfast together."

Alexis grinned cheekily. "Obviously it was a little more than _talking_."

"Alexis!", Castle shrieked horrified.

Laughing, the girl padded her father's cheek. "I'm glad, dad."

"Well…she's coming around for dinner tonight."

"Dad…," Alexis said slowly, biting her lip hesitantly, "does she know about the murder board?"

Swallowing against the sudden lump in his throat, he shook his head. "No. I'm gonna tell her tonight."

She grimaced rather pitifully. "Oh…"

"Yeah."

"Do you think…"

"I don't know." And he really didn't. Kate's reaction could be…well, he had imagined many different scenarios, regarding her reaction. She could yell and cry and never speak to him again. Or let him explain, like he hoped she would, and see that all he ever wanted to do was protect her and forgive him.  
Or she could just turn around and ignore him for the rest of their lives.

"Do you want me and grams to be out tonight?", Alexis asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Would you mind?" He knew it might a bit much to ask both his daughter and his mother to give him and Kate some space tonight, throwing them out of their own home, but…

"Now, grams wanted me to go seeing that Broadway movie anyways."

"Thanks," he murmured, pulling his daughter into his arms. He only hoped, with everything he had, this whole thing between him and Kate would work out tonight.

* * *

Knowing Kate wasn't the kind of woman who'd be mollified by being cooked for by the man, who was about to break her heart, so he didn't see the point is creating something extraordinary. If everything worked out he would try to impress her with his breakfast skills…not to mention his bedtime skills (he had to grin at that, even if he really didn't feel like it right now).  
For now he settled on pasta with his really amazing, self-made tomato sauce and some good wine.

His heart pounded wildly in his chest, when he heard her characteristic knock on the door. Inhaling deeply for one last time, he made his way over to the door and opened.

She was breathtaking, wearing one of her hyper-tight jeans, killer heels and something greenish as a top that made her beautiful eyes even shinier.

"Hey," she said, biting her lip while trying to hide her smile upon his dumbfounded reaction towards her appearance.

"Hi," he stuttered and was even more surprised, when she pulled herself up and kissed his lips gently, before making her way into his home.

_Wow._

"Alexis and Martha not home?"

"No, they went to see some Broadway musical or something mother decided was entirely necessary for Alexis' education or something."

The way he said that, made Beckett grin. "Are you afraid Alexis will turn out like her if she continues dragging her to this kind of stuff?"

Castle's eyes widened in horror upon that idea, but Kate knew that he loved his mother deeply.

Chuckling at his face, she turned around. "So what are you feeding me?"

"Pasta with the world renowned _Sauce a la Castle_."

Laughing, she rolled her eyes. "I bet it just some tomato sauce from the supermarket."

Now he looked actually offended and she laughed even harder.

Castle was still feeling rather perplexed. After he had told her he'd have to tell her something too, he had expected her to be less touchy and flirty and more…well, cautious and closed up or something. But she wasn't and this was concerning him a little because he didn't know how to deal with this side of Beckett.

Trying to get his act together he started to set their meal on the table.

* * *

Because he didn't want her tipsy for their talk, he decided that after her third glass of wine, he had to come forward with his secret, no matter how nice the evening had been until now.

When he took the glass out of her hand and she saw the serious expression of his face, she knew it was time to discover his secret.

Swallowing, she followed him when he slowly headed towards his study. He stopped at his desk, turning around, towards her.

He felt the thick lump in his throat, wasn't really able to form a sentence and his heart felt like it was about to break.

He remembered all those dreams he had about her terrible reactions to his confession.

She looked a little bit afraid herself by now, obviously freaked by his deathly expression.

Inhaling deeply, he pushed the button to activate the thing which would destroy the most precious relationship he'd ever had.

Beckett, ever being the exceptional cop, instantly understood what she was looking at, her eyes widening, her face pale and emotionless.

"A few weeks after you've been shot a man called me. Said he was a friend of Montgomery's, who had sent him a few files regarding your mother's murder the night before he'd been killed. He said he had information which, being held hidden, insured yours and Roy's family's security. He told me that I had to make you stop looking into her murder in order to keep you safe, so I did."

He saw her eyes glistening, pain combined with anger and hurt, betrayal and fear, before a few tears made their way down her cheeks.

Of all scenarios Castle had imagined this was probably the worst, because Beckett just turned around and fled. He heard a door slam shut and he knew she'd left.

He closed his eyes, pain almost knocking him over. He had hoped, _prayed_ so hard for her to…react differently, let him explain, let him make it up to her, but she'd just turned her back on him and left him.

Tears made their way out of his closed eyes and not caring to wipe them away he grabbed a bottle of his most expensive whiskey, hoping to numb the pain.  
Before taking the first gulp, he thanked Alexis mentally for getting herself and his mother out of their home tonight.

* * *

When he woke up, it was dark outside and he felt like hell. His body was stiff, considering his rather awkward position (plumped in his chair, his head resting on his keyboard), his head was spinning (alcohol, the devil) and the first thing he thought about was Kate.

Groaning, he pressed his eyes close, trying to make the pain more bearable, before deciding he needed a shower before heading to bed.

Trying to regain some balance, he slowly got up and made his way into his bathroom, avoiding looking into the mirror, really not needing to see himself right now.

Turning on the hot water, he stripped out of his clothes, getting into the shower.

Even if he still felt like shit, the hot water made it a little better.

Had it been right to tell her everything? Or should he have held everything back? He knew he never could have started a relationship with her while hiding this from her, but telling her had made everything worse.

Clenching his fist until his knuckles turned white, he forced himself to stop thinking about this. He needed to, otherwise he'd probably drown himself in his shower or something.

Rubbing his face, he stayed under the spray for a few more minutes before turning off the water and getting out.

His room was completely dark, considering he hadn't bothered to turn on the light and since he hadn't rolled up the blinds when he had woken up in the morning, not even the moon was lightening the room.  
Not that he cared, he felt better in the darkness.

Clad only in his boxers he made his way into his bed and that's where he froze.

Froze and stared.

Until his heart started beating madly.

There was someone laying in his bed. And there was only _one_ person who could that be.

Kate Beckett was in his bed.

And then everything happened in a blur, because emotions took over and he just acted.

"Kate," he choked, before getting into bed and gathering her into his arms, pressing her tightly against his chest, while he let his tears flow down his cheeks, almost sobbing and crying out her name over and over again.

A sleepy murmured "Castle?" was all she said before melting into his body, wrapping her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his warm skin.

His heart pounded painfully in his chest and he couldn't believe this was actually happening. Kate was in his bed, she hadn't run, at least not physically and if her touch was any indication, neither emotionally.

"It's gonna be alright," she murmured into his skin, her voice husky and raspy, evidence of her crying from hours ago.

"Kate, oh god, you're here," he sobbed, "Kate, god, you're here. You're here," he whispered over and over again.

"Castle," she said softly, pressing her lips against his neck, "I couldn't leave. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

"Thank you." While tears continued to stream down his cheeks, she started catching them with her lips, kisses like balm for his broken heart.  
And somewhere in the middle of wiping his tears, her lips found his and suddenly everything was spinning and happening at once.

His gripping hands started roaming her body and they rolled over until Kate was on top of him, her hands in his hair, her lips fused to his.

He didn't go slow when he started undressing her, everything in a haze, and soon they were both naked, joined and panting heavily when the spinning suddenly stopped, turning into something much deeper, more intense.

She stilled over him, pressing her forehead against his, before she began rocking her body.

Groaning, Castle's hands found her neck, pulling her down to meet his lips again and she obliged happily, before sucking her way down to his nipples, torturing him until he hissed heavily.

Deciding he needed to swap position because otherwise he definitely wouldn't last any longer, Castle rolled them over again, hovering over her, before starting treasuring her body. It didn't take very long before both of them lost themselves, not just in each other, but in complete bliss as well, pushing each other into oblivion.

* * *

When Castle woke up, it wasn't as dark anymore, but he was cold.  
Kate, all snuggled up to him, trying to seek his warmth, wasn't much warmer either.  
While trying to pull up the sheets they obviously had kicked out of the bed during their lovemaking, he happened to brush her and she stirred.

"Shh, keep on sleeping," he murmured before wrapping them both up in his bed sheets, and she snuggled deeper into him, her more than well-shaped but pressing into his groin, reminding him of their spent hours before.

She had intertwined their fingers in sleep and she still couldn't believe his luck and how well everything had turned to play out.  
He knew they had to talk about things, had to explain their reasons and behavior, but most importantly, Kate was laying (naked !) in his arms and he still felt like waking up any second.

Noticing he wasn't too tired anymore, he decided to use this opportunity to look at her.  
She was beautiful, always had been, but now she had a soft glow around her face, a gentle smile, _his _smile grazing her lips, but he could still make out the dark bags under her eyes. It was obvious she hadn't slept well the last couple of nights and he knew a big part of her insomnia was his fault.  
And despite everything, despite how much he'd hurt her, she hadn't run. Castle was still amazed. Kate Beckett hadn't run, had changed into one of his shirt instead and had climbed into his bed, hiding, but never actually leaving.  
He couldn't help but lean over and press his lips softly against hers, hoping not to wake her at the same time. She really needed the rest.

"Castle," she mumbled softly, rubbing her cheek against his in her sleep.

He smiled amazed, wrapping his arms securely around her before deciding to try on sleeping again.

* * *

Next time he woke up, he instantly started panicking because _she wasn't there_ anymore. Obviously woken up, finding herself naked in bed with him, remembering everything had happened, had scared her to hell and she'd run faster than he could even imagine.  
His heart squeezed painfully in his chest, tears already forming in blue eyes, he was flown by disappointment.  
Throwing himself back, his eyes caught sight of definitely feminine, _Kate's_ clothes and hope stirred again, because she wouldn't have fled naked, right?

Squinting around, he noticed his shirt, the one he'd been wearing yesterday, was gone and then he suddenly heard voices, female voices, he would recognize between million others.

"Oh, detective Beckett, this smells amazing," his daughter called out, sounding happily surprised and with the blink of an eye, Castle was out of bed, wearing boxers and running into his kitchen.

He wanted to freeze the picture of Kate Beckett, wearing nothing but his shirt, bare legs, standing in front of his stove, making pancakes, while Alexis, still in her PJs, was sitting at the counter, chatting happily with her grandmother who was currently making coffee.

"Moring darling," she greeted, noticing him first and threw him a sly, knowing look, but he had only eyes for Kate, turning around, eying him almost shyly, biting her lower lip nervously.

He decided then and there that he was definitely never going to let her go. He would marry her someday, even if it took him another four years to persuade her.

He smiled back at her, moving his somewhat weak legs to walk to her. Feeling his daughter's and mother's gaze in his back (he really couldn't have cared less), he grabbed Beckett's wrist, pulling her right into his arms before giving her an eights caliber good morning kiss.

When he pulled back, her lips were swollen again and she was blushing scarlet and Castle couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself.

"Well, now that you didn't actually eat her alive maybe we could finally start on eating some real, delicious breakfast," Alexis said, a little exasperated, and both, Beckett and Castle, blushed this time.

"Uh…yeah, great idea, pumpkin," he mumbled embarrassed.

However, it didn't stop him from holding her hand under the table.

* * *

When he had showered and came back into his bedroom, Kate was wrapped up in the bed sheets again, obviously waiting for him.

"Hey," she smiled and he couldn't help but crawl onto the bed, closer to her, and press his lips against hers.

Touching her hand gently to his cheek, she kissed him back, but pulled away sooner than he would've liked.

"We need to talk," she said quietly and his smile faded. He knew they needed to, obviously, but he'd somehow hoped their problem would solve itself.

He nodded and moved to sit beside her and then she surprised him (yet again during those last three days) by climbing in between his legs, leaning against his muscular chest, and he wrapped his arms happily around her waist.

Leaning down, he pressed his lips against her neck, enjoying the shiver that went through her, before whispering softly: "Thank you for not running and giving me a chance."

"You're welcome," she said quietly, intertwining their fingers on her stomach. "Why would you keep that from me, knowing how much it means?"

"Because I wanted to protect you. You died on me once, Kate, and I as sure as hell am never going to let that happen again." His voice was thick with emotion, choking on the middle part of his sentence and Kate squeezed his hands, reassuring him that she was safe, right here in his arms.

"Will you tell me what happened?", she asked quietly.

He was silent for a moment, but then decided to just blurt it out already. He would have to tell her anyway, so he might as well get done with it. Obviously, he had told her some things last night, but apparently, she hadn't paid attention, and he really couldn't blame her.

"A man called me. He said he was a friend of Montgomery's who had sent him some files regarding your mother's and your own case now. And if I wanted to keep you alive, because they wouldn't miss a second time, I had to make sure you stopped trying.  
But knowing what this means to you, I decided to look into it myself, hoping to find some answer, but I didn't get too far."

They were quiet again, their hearts beating faster than before, his out of fear, hers out of a lot more than one emotion.

"You need to stop, Rick," she whispered, almost inaudibly. "You need to stop. I don't want Alexis to go through the same pain I had to and I wouldn't survive losing you, too. Please, Castle, please stop, let it rest, and someday we'll find another way, all those answers and the people responsible for all this." She had turned around in his lap, framing his face with her hands while a few tears made down their way of her cheeks.

"Kate," he choked out, not quite believing what she was actually hearing, but she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and cried into his shoulder.

* * *

In the evening, when every card was on the table, they met with Ryan, Esposito and Lanie at the Old Haunt, doing some catching up.

Being the good detectives they were, the boys noticed instantly the change in their friends' relationship and grinned knowingly at them.

And Castle, being the guy who was always wearing his heart on his sleeve, didn't even try to hide it and kissed her right then and there in front of their friends before he made his way to the bar, getting their drinks.

He watched her from there, grinning at her slightly embarrassed face upon being teased by their friends.  
Man, how much he loved her. And damn it, the best was she loved him too.  
He still couldn't believe how much pain they had caused each other, how many misunderstandings there had been because of their miscommunication.  
Getting their drinks and heading back to the booth, he vowed to himself to never let this happen again, before he plopped down next to Kate, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her tightly against his chest, right were his heart beat.

And the best thing was, her heart was beating in exact sync with his.

_Fin_

_**A/N: Sorry it took me forever and a half to finish this, but I really had some trouble with this last chapter. I would love some reviews nonetheless ;)**_


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